Cancer sucks.

I am just waking up. Todd went off to school/his work day. It's a different kind of hump day. We have a new president. I wasn't able to watch much of what happened yesterday as it was my long work day- the 8 to 8...what always turns out to be 9 shift. I read his speech on line though. It must have been hard to speak some of those words but I can imagine he spoke it with passion and confidence. He holds himself well. He is such an iconic symbol of everything that embodies the U.S. of A. I am proud to see what our country has accomplished. To me, oh, I have such a hard time with our government. I hope we can all ride on the importance of that achievement and work toward a better world. I hope the people actually heard that it will take more than him to succeed with that.

I guess I have heard the theory...we all have cancer cells. They are just waiting for an opportunity. Some allow them to grow by feeding them with nicotine. Some with stress. Others with processed foods. I've gotten a little crazy lately. I took to heart a woman's words regarding microwaves and the avoidance of them. I'm eating lots of raw veggies and fruits. I exercise. I make attempts at de-stressing. But I know there is a lot of work to do toward the prevention of allowing those cells to mutate and take over. Why, this laptop in front of me...who knows what it is doing?

I have been around a lot of people with cancer in my life. I have diagnosed it. I had a grandfather who passed from esophageal cancer. But never has it been closer than this past week. My step Dad, Russ has been diagnosed with it. He has had a cough. He has never been a smoker. The docs have put him through a ton of tests and a biopsy from his mediastinum has confirmed it. He has some PET and CT scans to do this week. That will help determine what his choices are.

I set an intention this year of "gratitude". My intention now has a focus. The one person in my life who has deserved more gratitude than I have ever been able to give him.

My biological father I have not seen since I was 9, I think. It was my birthday and he gave me a light bright. My mother divorced him a couple years prior. When Russ and my mom got married in 1979...I remember the year from the grandfather clock they built and had the date inscribed, it still charms every 15 minutes in their living room...Russ formally adopted my sisters and I. Our last names were even changed on our birth certificates. So even though I was born into this world a Podlipsky, that legally looks like it never happened. Their wedding took place in a circuit court and the celebration was held at the Mitchell Domes. My sisters and mom lived near there for a couple years after the divorce. We moved to Butler...you can see our old townhouse right by the highway. Russ was working there at the time. I barely remember anything about that place. It was like my life was a blur. I know I went to St. Agnes school. I am assuming it was not for a long time because I don't remember 1 person- teacher, no clue. Friends, don't think so. So then it was off to West Bend. We bought the house that Russ had once lived in. I was sent to St. Francis Cabrini. I remember being the new kid, the school year had already started. They welcomed me...I swear there was even cheering. I really loved the school. Our house and neighborhood was nice. This is where I would spend my time until I moved out with Todd when I was 21.

I can't imagine what it is like to be a step dad other than I was not a nice step daughter. I think about this now that my son is 8. How would it be for him if suddenly one of his parents he would never see again? So, I don't blame myself for having a hard time adjusting. I just didn't think that adjustment would last into my 20s. There were times I was able to see clearly who Russ was...a good man who was taking care of us...but through confusion, hormones, and just pure disrespect, I didn't see it often.

They say your brain does not fully develop until you are 25. That makes a lot of sense to me. That is the year Todd and I married. I recall the way Russ looked at me on that day and suddenly realized how much he was the reason I was standing there that day. He was so proud.

I look back now and think of the good times. He laughs at me for always knowing what presents I was going to get on Christmas day...it was not hard to do. My mom would hide the presents (from Santa) in the downstairs. My favorite year...a cowboy hat, a snoopy and woodstock stuffed animal, a beanbag, and fluffy Pjs. Each present was opened with care since I already knew what they were.

I was allowed to participate in whatever activities I wished. Both my parents were hard full time workers. We lived in the "country" and so I am sure travel, pick up, schedules with 3 daughters - wow! I am dying now and my kids are only 8 and 6.

My bedroom was my haven and Russ knew it so he made it special. He handcrafted a bed with shelving for awards, pictures, and knickknack stuff. And a corkboard so that I could hang my posters of Michael Jackson, Ratt, and Duran Duran. Though my closet was small, it had several drawers custom built and several levels to hang clothes on. And bonus about this room, though that bonus would be discovered later in life was that the window was perfectly placed right on top of the roof...a perfect escape route that was safe and easy! I remember talking with Todd on the phone (this would have been in 8th grade...wow how life hasn't changed!) when I looked out that small window to see Mark Vogeli and Kraig Sadownikow on the roof peering inside!

(OK, so quick side note, I also remember babysitting on a New years Eve. I must have been "going out" with Kraig at the time. We were talking on the phone at midnight. He lived just down the way from where I was babysitting in my neighborhood. He told me to look out the window and was flexing his muscles to me...funny how quickly my mind can flash back to stuff like that.)

Then there was the car. The Mustang I got when I turned 16. Not many kids can say they had their own car. I remember the day perfectly. Russ and mom told me they wanted to take me for a ride. Immediately (boy was I rotten) I knew it was a car. As we were in the car, I was asking what kind and imaging only the best...my friend Schwei had this 2 seater Mazda type thing...ewwww. They told me I was crazy and I finally settled with "fine, as long as it is not green." They both whipped around to look at me in the back seat and said in unison "how did you know?" and just as they said that showed me they me what they had purchased. A green with tan top Mustang. I don't know the year but it was the one Ford did not come out with the cool mustangs. Oh well, it was fast, had a great radio, and found the ditch a lovely place to spend much of it's time. Needless to say when the driver instructor who passed me for my license instructed Russ I was going to pass but needed more instruction, he was right. And that is the other story about Russ I love...he taught me how to drive. I think we both hold the "most ticket awards" in our house. And I am still not quite sure why "learning to drive backwards is as important as learning to drive forward." If you ever drove by in the late 80's on a Sunday at the MPTC parking lot and saw a car driving around backwards, that was Russ and I.

I will go on about this Luepnitz driving instruction class because if I ever need to laugh, I remember this day. Russ took me out to learn how to parallel park. I pulled up next to a car...oh so close. You could barely fit a piece of paper between the 2 cars. He told me to start over. I did not like this and so we argued finally I said, "you drive". He proceeded to try to open the door so he could get into the drivers seat. I giggled while I scooted over to the passenger seat from inside the car. He got stuck a few times but managed to push his way through. I had a smile on the whole way home. Mean... yes, gratifying...absolutely. How his blood must have been boiling.

There are so many stories- trips our west, camping. This is were I developed my passion for nature.

As I reflect, I am grateful. My life is...because of what it was. And Russ, through good and bad times, has been a part of that. I told him he is bull headed enough to beat this cancer. He claims I am bull headed too...he is right...the apple does not fall far from the tree...and though that tree may have borrowed a seed to produce it, it provided all the nourishment that was needed.

I love you Russ and thank you so much for all you have done and look forward to continuing this journey of life together. May you feel God's presence and the love of your family and friends with you through every step of the way.

Namaste in every sense of the word,
Paula