dreams, prayers, and love

I had a dream I had cancer last night. Yes, my dad's cancer sometimes consumes my thoughts. But I think I actually had the dream because of the show I watched before going to bed last night. I have this guilty pleasure I indulge in each Tuesday at 9 pm. It's called Nip/Tuck. I got hooked on it years ago when DeAnn (such a dear friend she is, also still has me playing volleyball and attempting to complete our second triathlon this summer) told me about it. It is about these 2 plastic surgeons- they both have major issues and never seem to resolve any of them. Christian is the player. He has been diagnosed with breast cancer- yes, rare for a man (2,000 are diagnosed each year). He recently completed his treatment and went for an augmentation (boob job)...I guess you would call it reconstruction...anyway he was pretty impressed with how things turned out and got a little carried away with having several female friends over to his home. Needless to say one of his implants dislodged due to "heavy lifting" and the woman shrieked when she saw his chest was moving. So in my dream I had a huge lump in the center of my chest.
I also could tell by the way I felt in my dream that I had cancer elsewhere...my left hip, my heart, and my brain. I can vividly remember only 2 main parts of the dream. First, I was standing in the middle of this road. To my right was a scattering of trees in a field. It was beautiful. To my left, more amazing views but intensified. It had the trees, the fields, and behind that a huge lake. I was impressed with both sides and was taking it all in. A deer...ok, let me clarify...a doe deer, tall, really majestic looking, somewhat prancing came from the right and crossed the path in front of me. She stopped as if to invite me and proceeded to the other side. Suddenly, my observatory state was disrupted by thought. The second part of the dream I recall was thinking about what my children would do without me. I imagined their tears and difficulty.

I reflected on this throughout my day. I know from much reading and experience that no one can interpret your dreams but you. Yes, there are some common themes but only I know my feelings, my thoughts, my subconscious. So an attempt at interpretation- let's start with the setting- the right being present life, the left being the afterlife. The deer- I have already determined that each time in life I see a deer, I am reminded of God. And, of course, God is a girl! She has welcomed me from life to afterlife...it's nice to know I am welcomed. Of course, I did not go. Nor do I have conscious thoughts about going but when the time comes, I am welcomed. And as is customary in my ordinary life, my thoughts pop up and interrupt my calm connection. Worried. Worried about something that hasn't even happened. Why would I bother myself with fears of what my kids would have to do without me? I have no plans of leaving and as of right now, I am here. Live in the present moment Paula. And as I opened my eyes in the morning, my 2 boys were by my sides ready for kisses and quality time. ( and before I hop out of bed, quickly do a breast exam of which I am in the clear!)

With this dream self interpreted, I can prayer to God tonight and thank her I am welcomed. I prayer with my boys each night. It is basically to reflect on the day and pray for good sleep. I have been in a small battle with myself over prayer until lately. Not saying it has no place but rather asking what it's place is? And remember this is me writing and my knowledge of spirituality comes from 5 years at St. Francis Cabrini, some readings, and lessons learned from Stillwaters Church...so these are just thoughts...and can you believe I am 38 and still don't know the answers (yes, I may not really know until I actually am in heaven but I pretty much kill myself trying). So prayer. If God does not do harm (which I strongly believe) that means He does not do good. I mean, He does good if we believe because when we believe, we do good things so He does good in an indirect way...through us. (This is really scary but I totally understand that.) So when I get a prayer like "please prayer for so and so who is sick. Prayer God heals them" I pray "please allow so and so to feel your presence so that he may do the things necessary to be in a healed state." or something along those lines. OK, so this is what I think my prayer is for (at this present moment) 1. Since God already knows what I need or someone else needs, I am praying to verbalize what is needed- this can help me recognize what my role will be- then with so and so who needs healing from sick, what can I do with the presence of God to help with that?, and 2. I recently sent a prayer request to my church members. I had never done that before. I then completely understood the purpose of prayer- to continue to build community. These members don't even know my dad and here they are praying. I love that time in church when we bow our heads to pray- last Sunday, I sat imagining what that sounded like if we all spoke out loud- like a second grade classroom during indoor recess, no doubt. So I will keep praying in that way until maybe another purpose becomes clear.

Like the time at work when I was praying the day would be over because the next day I had off and hoped to shop only to click on my email to see Michelle had sent me a reminder of the Victoria Secret 75% off shoe sale going on right now. Again, a friendly reminder to stay in the present moment- why shop tomorrow when you can shop right now?!?
{O} pkc