Sunday, August 2, 2009

A blur. That is what the last months have been. I read that last blog entry...February. I have intended to write since, so many times a thought would come. But I require relaxation to bring out my creative side. Believe me, I have been trying. A deep breath here, a yoga stretch there. But here in Hayward, away from all of that- I get inspired.

Russ, my father, passed away on April 20th. Lung cancer. It had seemed it was just diagnosed and that a few weeks earlier he was still saying "I feel like I did years ago. I am fine." But within those few short weeks, he no longer uttered that phrase that often reassured me. He couldn't eat, sometimes I think, wouldn't eat. And within a day, he went from taking a walk in the living room stetching out his side that hurt to laying in bed never to rise again...though he did rise. On eagles wings. And as Chris Tomlin sang, "No more sorrow, no more pain." In those last hours, we held a beautiful prayer with a room filled with family and friends surrounding him with our love and letting God know he was coming.

Since that day, I have felt his presence. God. And Russ. Sometimes I wonder...wow, now he hears my thoughts. Now, he knows I am crazy. Well, it's confirmed, I'm pretty sure he already knew!

Just a few days ago, I went to Relay for Life. It was wonderful to see all of the survivors. Yes, the cancer survivors stood out in purple but there were so many more survivors there. Like my mom. Like Chris, my brother in law. Pat, my mother in law. Tami, a friend. I could go on. They...we...all have had to battle through this disease. Even when you haven't been diagnosed with it, if you care for someone who has, you struggle too. I struggle.

But it is in times like these that I know what matters in life. Love. Family. I read back at that Feb blog and see that I was searching for my diamond (which of course to me had much deeper meaning). And now, I have a brand new ring on my finger. When I returned from China, Todd surprised me at the airport with it. 1. He wasn't suppose to be at the airport, 2. He got down on his knee as he had done close to 15 years before in an airport, this time asking me in front of our children. He has rocked my world for 20+ years. Love. Family.

And with this I want to believe so badly in heaven. I should, I feel angels around me all the time. A place where our souls rest and enjoy eachother. I know I have had glimses- like when time stood still when our children were born. Heaven (and relief!).

Russ' headstone was placed at the cemetry this week. I am not fond of cemeteries but I wanted to visit it. On the way I asked God to send me a song on the radio to listen to, something to prepare me. Nothing, nothing I connected to anyway. I sat there looking at the gravestone, beautiful. Lots of different emotions, thoughts...At one point, I felt all of this presence, I can't really explain- but it may have been what I was thinking that I thought this cemetery thing was just not my thing. And as I got back in the truck, I turned the key, listened to the song on the radio telling me..."God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy." Thank you God. And though I understand our humanitary need for a cemetry, my sentiments exactly.

And with that, I think I need a beer. It's just weeks away from hunting season. My husband is traveling this year- Colorado. While he is helping control the elk population in another state, I think I want to help the shoe population in another part of the world.
www.tomsshoes.com
Peace,
Paula