Couples having been doing this since as far back as the Romans and Greeks...exchanging wedding rings during the ceremony. Todd and I did this over 12 years ago. Todd lost his ring this past Fall only to have a wonderful friend find it for him. I had never taken my off for anything until this past week. I discovered while at work that the main diamond in the ring fell out. A patient pointed it out. My co-worker friends who now all have sore back areas they cannot describe looked tirelessly for the diamond. We found millions of salt crystals thanks to winter but no wedding diamond. I cleaned for hours that night...no diamond. It's been a week, no diamond. Apparantly someone at work had this happen to them and found it 3 months later. I pray I find it. It's such a special symbol to me...Todd picked this out without my involvement at all. We never got the wedding band to attach to the engagement ring...it was enough of a symbol to me on it's own. I replaced it that day I lost the diamond with another ring of mine but then felt guilty- that ring was not the symbol of eternity. So now my ring finger with the connection that goes right to my heart is naked.
Today I went for my usual swim but it turned out to be nothing usual. As I placed my left hand above me and pushed it into the water, it felt so different. It was as if the strength just was not there. That finger being undressed seemed to not want to put forth the effort. My mind immediately recognized what was happening. This symbol now moved to be a more metaphorical meaning. I wondered why, why can't I find this diamond? It had hit me before but now in the water became so apparant. And so here is the way my brain thinks (lock me up now). I immediately began to think of the basic elements of life...earth, fire, air, water (and some include metal and wood). So many cultures have spoken of these elements- some in their literal sense and some have deeper meaning...as I continued to stroke through the water, the sense of loss grew deep...so what does the water have to do with this loss of a diamond? According to the Chinese, water nourishes wood, water quenches fire. Is there something I need to nourish? Maybe I am eating too much! How about quench....ok, ok cut back on the wine! OK, how about if I look at it from the Chakra senses...charkras are focal points for the reception and transimission of energies. One of the points is the sacrum which is represented by water. The sacrum is around the area of your pubic bone. It is your unconscious, your emotions. And believe me, when I read about balancing this chakra, I can see the connection, especially at this very moment of my life. I have some work to do, I know. Sometimes that stupid metaphorical thinking can really be so amazingly accurate, it scares me. So, while my search continues for my diamond, I have much more work to do than just that...and if you want to know what I am referring to, the web is a great place to study more about chakras and healing elements.
Peace and happiness
Paula
P.S. Russ is doing great. He has completed his full brain radiation of 10 treatments and has finished his first chemotherapy infusion on monday. This is a man who knows how to live in the present moment. He is showing me how to be thankful for every moment of health you have. Reminder to all who may not know...
90% of lung cancer patients are/were smokers, 10% never did (including Russ)
Top 3 cancer related deaths for men and women 1. Lung (by a landslide) 2. Colon 3. Breast
50% of all Lung cancer patients are first diagnosed when they are in Stage 4, 50% live past their first year
Number of self help books in the Smallstones Library at Froedtert on Breast Cancer- at least 100, the number for Lung cancer...2
Let's start taking Lung cancer seriously...make sure your kids don't start smoking, make sure our air stays clean, eat healthy, destress, and whatever else may help prevent this but please support the research and treatment for lung cancers!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
J man
Several years ago we thought it was a good idea to let our children know we would allow them to invite as many children to their birthday party as was the age they were turning. This actually worked out ok when they were turning 5 or 6. Fast forward several years (something we had not done) to age 9. Jordan turns 9 on Wednesday. We have spent our Sunday fully recovering from the 9 children that not only came for the birthday gathering but also spent the night.
Yes, smarter parents would have said no. I, however, was up for the challenge. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that Todd is a teacher and I think, if he can do it, so can I (of course knowing that he is here to help me! Bonus!). We have said from the very day Jordan starting to attend Farmington Elementary school that his class was special. And they are. Such an amazing group of awesome kids and, luckily for Todd and I, a superb group of parents. It really makes it quite hard for Jordan to "pick" who can come- he wants everyone to be here. So at 2 pm Saturday afternoon they started piling in our house with snow pants, boots, sleeping bags, and clothes. Thankfully, the weather was perfect for outside football, basketball, and just plain old fun. With the snow melting and the ground still frozen, there was slipping, sliding, and jumping in the puddles. These kids were soaking wet and having a blast as evidenced by the statement "this is the best birthday party ever!" (A small side note, we do not get sick from the cold. We get sick from viruses, in case anyone would like to comment on how these children will all be sick...no) so they came in, changed clothes, went back out. This went on for hours...in between some food, some indoor games, presents, cake/ice cream.
Then it was off to the West Bend Bombers hockey game- if you have never been and live in this area, give it a try- completely entertaining, great team, super family fun, and reasonable. The kids had a VIP table set up for them- popcorn, soda...had front row seats for the game so with each score they could pound on the glass and dance with each song played. And after first period 3 of the kids were able to participate in the competition on the ice. They all tried to win money during the second period break with the hockey puck toss. And the Bombers won. Those kids were so good during the game...I was very nervous about that but enjoyed watching their faces as many had not been to a hockey game before.
It's a joy watching my son grow up. Jordan is so much like Todd. I met Todd in 7th grade...and it is really nice knowing what he may have been like in those years before I knew him. Though of course I also know Jordan is unique as well. I recall there being a day which seems like decades ago that Todd and I were not going to have kids. And I am so thankful that God decided otherwise. And found us worthy for such a great gift. Jordan has taught me so much about love. And I believe each moment with him is just the best getting better. Last night as we drove to the game, I had 7 of the kids in the truck. The song "Summertime" by Kid Rock came on and you should have heard them sing! I suddenly forwarded my mind to 9 more years when Jordan will be graduating from high school, jamming to tunes in his car with friends much like we did at that age...wow...time.
And today, after the kids left, Jordan joined me for a walk on the New Fane trails with Bella, our dog. Jordan and I have done this together on numerous occasions. Today was an adventurous stroll checking out forests full of beautiful pine, shag bark, and multiple other tree types. The snow was packed just right. We talked. We checked out birds and wondered what is was like to be an animal in this winter season. He picked up a broken pine branch with 3 pine cones (there's that trinity piece again- thanks for the reminder God) attached to an end and brought it to me to keep...it smells so good Mom. The sun felt hot. And in the middle of the woods, there was not one reminder of the busyness of life...what a joy...and to spend it with Jordan...our small journey was a poetic reminder of how great this life is. I love you Jordan.
Mom
Yes, smarter parents would have said no. I, however, was up for the challenge. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that Todd is a teacher and I think, if he can do it, so can I (of course knowing that he is here to help me! Bonus!). We have said from the very day Jordan starting to attend Farmington Elementary school that his class was special. And they are. Such an amazing group of awesome kids and, luckily for Todd and I, a superb group of parents. It really makes it quite hard for Jordan to "pick" who can come- he wants everyone to be here. So at 2 pm Saturday afternoon they started piling in our house with snow pants, boots, sleeping bags, and clothes. Thankfully, the weather was perfect for outside football, basketball, and just plain old fun. With the snow melting and the ground still frozen, there was slipping, sliding, and jumping in the puddles. These kids were soaking wet and having a blast as evidenced by the statement "this is the best birthday party ever!" (A small side note, we do not get sick from the cold. We get sick from viruses, in case anyone would like to comment on how these children will all be sick...no) so they came in, changed clothes, went back out. This went on for hours...in between some food, some indoor games, presents, cake/ice cream.
Then it was off to the West Bend Bombers hockey game- if you have never been and live in this area, give it a try- completely entertaining, great team, super family fun, and reasonable. The kids had a VIP table set up for them- popcorn, soda...had front row seats for the game so with each score they could pound on the glass and dance with each song played. And after first period 3 of the kids were able to participate in the competition on the ice. They all tried to win money during the second period break with the hockey puck toss. And the Bombers won. Those kids were so good during the game...I was very nervous about that but enjoyed watching their faces as many had not been to a hockey game before.
It's a joy watching my son grow up. Jordan is so much like Todd. I met Todd in 7th grade...and it is really nice knowing what he may have been like in those years before I knew him. Though of course I also know Jordan is unique as well. I recall there being a day which seems like decades ago that Todd and I were not going to have kids. And I am so thankful that God decided otherwise. And found us worthy for such a great gift. Jordan has taught me so much about love. And I believe each moment with him is just the best getting better. Last night as we drove to the game, I had 7 of the kids in the truck. The song "Summertime" by Kid Rock came on and you should have heard them sing! I suddenly forwarded my mind to 9 more years when Jordan will be graduating from high school, jamming to tunes in his car with friends much like we did at that age...wow...time.
And today, after the kids left, Jordan joined me for a walk on the New Fane trails with Bella, our dog. Jordan and I have done this together on numerous occasions. Today was an adventurous stroll checking out forests full of beautiful pine, shag bark, and multiple other tree types. The snow was packed just right. We talked. We checked out birds and wondered what is was like to be an animal in this winter season. He picked up a broken pine branch with 3 pine cones (there's that trinity piece again- thanks for the reminder God) attached to an end and brought it to me to keep...it smells so good Mom. The sun felt hot. And in the middle of the woods, there was not one reminder of the busyness of life...what a joy...and to spend it with Jordan...our small journey was a poetic reminder of how great this life is. I love you Jordan.
Mom
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
dreams, prayers, and love
I had a dream I had cancer last night. Yes, my dad's cancer sometimes consumes my thoughts. But I think I actually had the dream because of the show I watched before going to bed last night. I have this guilty pleasure I indulge in each Tuesday at 9 pm. It's called Nip/Tuck. I got hooked on it years ago when DeAnn (such a dear friend she is, also still has me playing volleyball and attempting to complete our second triathlon this summer) told me about it. It is about these 2 plastic surgeons- they both have major issues and never seem to resolve any of them. Christian is the player. He has been diagnosed with breast cancer- yes, rare for a man (2,000 are diagnosed each year). He recently completed his treatment and went for an augmentation (boob job)...I guess you would call it reconstruction...anyway he was pretty impressed with how things turned out and got a little carried away with having several female friends over to his home. Needless to say one of his implants dislodged due to "heavy lifting" and the woman shrieked when she saw his chest was moving. So in my dream I had a huge lump in the center of my chest.
I also could tell by the way I felt in my dream that I had cancer elsewhere...my left hip, my heart, and my brain. I can vividly remember only 2 main parts of the dream. First, I was standing in the middle of this road. To my right was a scattering of trees in a field. It was beautiful. To my left, more amazing views but intensified. It had the trees, the fields, and behind that a huge lake. I was impressed with both sides and was taking it all in. A deer...ok, let me clarify...a doe deer, tall, really majestic looking, somewhat prancing came from the right and crossed the path in front of me. She stopped as if to invite me and proceeded to the other side. Suddenly, my observatory state was disrupted by thought. The second part of the dream I recall was thinking about what my children would do without me. I imagined their tears and difficulty.
I reflected on this throughout my day. I know from much reading and experience that no one can interpret your dreams but you. Yes, there are some common themes but only I know my feelings, my thoughts, my subconscious. So an attempt at interpretation- let's start with the setting- the right being present life, the left being the afterlife. The deer- I have already determined that each time in life I see a deer, I am reminded of God. And, of course, God is a girl! She has welcomed me from life to afterlife...it's nice to know I am welcomed. Of course, I did not go. Nor do I have conscious thoughts about going but when the time comes, I am welcomed. And as is customary in my ordinary life, my thoughts pop up and interrupt my calm connection. Worried. Worried about something that hasn't even happened. Why would I bother myself with fears of what my kids would have to do without me? I have no plans of leaving and as of right now, I am here. Live in the present moment Paula. And as I opened my eyes in the morning, my 2 boys were by my sides ready for kisses and quality time. ( and before I hop out of bed, quickly do a breast exam of which I am in the clear!)
With this dream self interpreted, I can prayer to God tonight and thank her I am welcomed. I prayer with my boys each night. It is basically to reflect on the day and pray for good sleep. I have been in a small battle with myself over prayer until lately. Not saying it has no place but rather asking what it's place is? And remember this is me writing and my knowledge of spirituality comes from 5 years at St. Francis Cabrini, some readings, and lessons learned from Stillwaters Church...so these are just thoughts...and can you believe I am 38 and still don't know the answers (yes, I may not really know until I actually am in heaven but I pretty much kill myself trying). So prayer. If God does not do harm (which I strongly believe) that means He does not do good. I mean, He does good if we believe because when we believe, we do good things so He does good in an indirect way...through us. (This is really scary but I totally understand that.) So when I get a prayer like "please prayer for so and so who is sick. Prayer God heals them" I pray "please allow so and so to feel your presence so that he may do the things necessary to be in a healed state." or something along those lines. OK, so this is what I think my prayer is for (at this present moment) 1. Since God already knows what I need or someone else needs, I am praying to verbalize what is needed- this can help me recognize what my role will be- then with so and so who needs healing from sick, what can I do with the presence of God to help with that?, and 2. I recently sent a prayer request to my church members. I had never done that before. I then completely understood the purpose of prayer- to continue to build community. These members don't even know my dad and here they are praying. I love that time in church when we bow our heads to pray- last Sunday, I sat imagining what that sounded like if we all spoke out loud- like a second grade classroom during indoor recess, no doubt. So I will keep praying in that way until maybe another purpose becomes clear.
Like the time at work when I was praying the day would be over because the next day I had off and hoped to shop only to click on my email to see Michelle had sent me a reminder of the Victoria Secret 75% off shoe sale going on right now. Again, a friendly reminder to stay in the present moment- why shop tomorrow when you can shop right now?!?
{O} pkc
I also could tell by the way I felt in my dream that I had cancer elsewhere...my left hip, my heart, and my brain. I can vividly remember only 2 main parts of the dream. First, I was standing in the middle of this road. To my right was a scattering of trees in a field. It was beautiful. To my left, more amazing views but intensified. It had the trees, the fields, and behind that a huge lake. I was impressed with both sides and was taking it all in. A deer...ok, let me clarify...a doe deer, tall, really majestic looking, somewhat prancing came from the right and crossed the path in front of me. She stopped as if to invite me and proceeded to the other side. Suddenly, my observatory state was disrupted by thought. The second part of the dream I recall was thinking about what my children would do without me. I imagined their tears and difficulty.
I reflected on this throughout my day. I know from much reading and experience that no one can interpret your dreams but you. Yes, there are some common themes but only I know my feelings, my thoughts, my subconscious. So an attempt at interpretation- let's start with the setting- the right being present life, the left being the afterlife. The deer- I have already determined that each time in life I see a deer, I am reminded of God. And, of course, God is a girl! She has welcomed me from life to afterlife...it's nice to know I am welcomed. Of course, I did not go. Nor do I have conscious thoughts about going but when the time comes, I am welcomed. And as is customary in my ordinary life, my thoughts pop up and interrupt my calm connection. Worried. Worried about something that hasn't even happened. Why would I bother myself with fears of what my kids would have to do without me? I have no plans of leaving and as of right now, I am here. Live in the present moment Paula. And as I opened my eyes in the morning, my 2 boys were by my sides ready for kisses and quality time. ( and before I hop out of bed, quickly do a breast exam of which I am in the clear!)
With this dream self interpreted, I can prayer to God tonight and thank her I am welcomed. I prayer with my boys each night. It is basically to reflect on the day and pray for good sleep. I have been in a small battle with myself over prayer until lately. Not saying it has no place but rather asking what it's place is? And remember this is me writing and my knowledge of spirituality comes from 5 years at St. Francis Cabrini, some readings, and lessons learned from Stillwaters Church...so these are just thoughts...and can you believe I am 38 and still don't know the answers (yes, I may not really know until I actually am in heaven but I pretty much kill myself trying). So prayer. If God does not do harm (which I strongly believe) that means He does not do good. I mean, He does good if we believe because when we believe, we do good things so He does good in an indirect way...through us. (This is really scary but I totally understand that.) So when I get a prayer like "please prayer for so and so who is sick. Prayer God heals them" I pray "please allow so and so to feel your presence so that he may do the things necessary to be in a healed state." or something along those lines. OK, so this is what I think my prayer is for (at this present moment) 1. Since God already knows what I need or someone else needs, I am praying to verbalize what is needed- this can help me recognize what my role will be- then with so and so who needs healing from sick, what can I do with the presence of God to help with that?, and 2. I recently sent a prayer request to my church members. I had never done that before. I then completely understood the purpose of prayer- to continue to build community. These members don't even know my dad and here they are praying. I love that time in church when we bow our heads to pray- last Sunday, I sat imagining what that sounded like if we all spoke out loud- like a second grade classroom during indoor recess, no doubt. So I will keep praying in that way until maybe another purpose becomes clear.
Like the time at work when I was praying the day would be over because the next day I had off and hoped to shop only to click on my email to see Michelle had sent me a reminder of the Victoria Secret 75% off shoe sale going on right now. Again, a friendly reminder to stay in the present moment- why shop tomorrow when you can shop right now?!?
{O} pkc
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